Hidden Longing
by florgurl
Summary: Will and Lyra's wedding days, and both are having second thoughts. The fic switches back and forth between their POVs.


**A/N**

_This fic changes between Will and Lyra's pov throughout the fic. Since FF.n doesn't allow certain symbols, Lyra's pov will be normal, Will's pov will be bold. Sorry if this is confusing._

Lyra sat on the window seat of the dressing room looking out the window, with Pan curled up in her lap. It was a wonderful day, why did she feel so horrible? The white dress she was wearing was gorgeous. It was sleeveless, cut to hug her body and hips perfectly. The skirt draped around her legs in layers of folds and a cape of a translucent fabric was fasted to the dress with light, silver clasps.

Today she was getting married, and the only person she could think about was Will.

Together, she and Will had saved millions of worlds, worlds that they did know existed, worlds that hadn't known each other existed. She and Will had seen each other at their best and worst. They had fought with each other and laughed with each other. They had gone into the world of the dead and cried together at the pain of leaving their daemons behind on the shore. They had loved each other.

**Will stood before the alter, with Kirjava next to him, waiting for his bride. He loved her, he loved her dearly, but this didn't feel right. He loved another even more.**

**How long had it been since he had seen Lyra? Thirteen years, he realized. They had only bee twelve when they had met each other, only twelve when they had fallen in love, only twelve when they had found out they would never be able to see each other again.**

**Twelve years old and the fate of millions of worlds had been in their hands. They hadn't known that. Oh yes, they knew what they were doing was serious, they just hadn't realized _how_ serious. To them it was finding Will's father, or helping Lyra find Roger, or listening to Mary tell them about her life. It was doing what the alethiometer said and using the knife to do it. It hadn't been saving millions of worlds. It hadn't been over-throwing the Authority.**

**It had been him and Lyra together.**

Lyra loved her fiancé. She was happy when she was with him. She knew she would enjoy living the rest of her life with him. Why was she so confused right now?

She and Will had agreed that it would be okay to marry other people. They had promised each other that if the did marry others, they wouldn't make comparisons between their spouse and each other. They had promised each other that they would be happy, marry if they fell in love, and not regret not having one another.

Yet Lyra felt as if she was betraying Will.

**Betrayal. That's what he felt. He couldn't understand why, but he felt as if he was betraying Lyra. He remembered the promises they had made to each other, but he couldn't bring himself to marry anyone except her.**

**He looked in the front row and saw his mother. She looked wonderful. Mary had let Will live with her, and had found a mental hospital for his mother. Now, with medication and therapy, she was back to herself again. Will had told her about finding his father, and how he had died. He had told her about Dust, what it was, and what it did. He had told her about Lord Asriel and Mrs. Coulter, and the plans they had had for Dust. He had told her about Lyra and what the two of them had accomplished together.**

**She had enjoyed hearing every word of what he said to her. She had been proud of him for being able to do it. She had been proud of him for being able to make the decisions and discoveries he had made.**

**But would she understand if he couldn't marry the woman who was now walking down the aisle?**

Oh, if only she could still read the alethiometer the way she used to be able to! Right now, she would ask it what to do. She was so confused. She knew there was no way she would be able to marry Will. They wouldn't even be able to see each other again until they died. But now that it was her wedding day, she didn't want to marry anyone but Will.

She was now standing in the foyer. The doors opened and the music began playing. It was time for her to walk down the aisle. Everyone in the room stood up and looked at her. She saw her fiancé smile at her lovingly.

She looked down at Pan. He nodded.

She turned and ran, dropping her bouquet and scooping up Pan in her arms as she opened the doors to the ceremonies hall and fled.

**Will's soon-to-be wife had reached the alter, and the ceremony had begun. He couldn't hear what the ceremonies master was saying; he was to deep in his own debate.**

**Then he noticed everything was silent. It was time for him to recite his part of the vows. He opened his mouth, but nothing would come out. He looked at his fiancé, she was smiling, and her eyes brimmed with tears. He couldn't let her down.**

**Oh, to have Lyra and her alethiometer back. But Lyra was in another world, and she couldn't read the alethiometer the way she used to.**

**He looked down at Kirjava. She nodded.**

**He looked into he fianc's eyes, "I'm sorry, sweet," he whispered, "I can't do this."**

**He turned and left, Kirjava climbing onto his shoulder.**

Lyra wasn't paying attention to where she was going. She was running, not running somewhere, just running.

She found herself at the Botanical Gardens. Of course this is where she would come. She knew where to go from here.

**Will knew where to go. He hailed a cab and rode straight to the Botanical Gardens. There was a special bench there that was also in Lyra's world. Every Midsummer's Day at noon, he would come sit on the one here, and Lyra would sit on the one in her world. The cab stopped. He paid and headed toward the bench.**

It was April, a couple of months until Midsummer's Day. Lyra sat on the bench crying. She was crying joy, regret, relief, and longing all at the same time. She held Pan close to her; the feel of his lungs expanding and retracting as he breathed was comforting.

Every Midsummer's Day for thirteen years she had come to this bench. Every Midsummer's Day for thirteen years Will had gone to the one in his world. The would sit on the benches for hours, able to feel each other's presence and know each other's thoughts. Those hours had been so wonderful. It was only during those hours that they could even be close to being together.

Suddenly Pan jumped and Lyra felt something very familiar about the air next to her...

**It was odd, Will couldn't describe it, but during the times that he and Lyra were on the benches together, they knew what the other was thinking. It wasn't that they could read each other's minds, the just...knew. It had come as a shock at first, but then it was nothing but a comfort.**

**There would be other times that he would be walking around Oxford and feel her. He knew that, by coincidence, she had just been there. But those times were rare, and by the time he realized what had happened, she was no longer there.**

**He reached the bench and say down. Half a second later Kirjava's head snapped to look at the empty space next to him. He realized he wasn't the only person on the bench...**

_Will, are you there?_

_Yes, Lyra, I'm here._

_Oh, Will, I almost got married today!_

_So did I, but when the time came, it didn't feel right._

_It didn't feel right to me either. I couldn't go through with it._

_All, I could think about was you, Lyra, I only want to be with you._

_I love you, Will._

_I love you too._

**A/N**

grr...i'm not happy that FF.n isn't allowing certain characters now. it makes it difficult to have separaters for fics like this. oh well. i'm sorry if this was confusing.

this is my first HDM fic. let me know what you think!  
flor


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